


Charlie's stupidly fantastically dangerous escapades: Vampire consulaire!

by Garth_Brooks



Category: Vampires - Fandom, lesbianpires
Genre: Blood, British, Comedy, Gen, Lesbians, witty humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:15:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24611380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garth_Brooks/pseuds/Garth_Brooks
Summary: Hello there I am Jerry, you'll find out who I am during your reading of this story. For it is stupid on my colleagues part to write about this, but here I am editing his ...adventure- which almost got him killed... lot. But enough of that here's a summary of what happened. You see Charlie wasn't supposed to be there or anywhere near this place as-and this is for the safety of everybody and I mean everybody- was never supposed to go to this place and cause chaos. Granted he at first did not mean to cause such chaos but as luck would have it he was pissed off and saw an opportunity to cause such unnecessary chaos because he's that much of an nyaff. But to get back onto topic Charlie starts off his adventure by being a complete blether and starts talking about his accomplishments about what he did during his escapade in this foreign land of blood sucking immortals. To add of whom he meets we start off with how he met a fierce and noble warrior of the vampires who is called Yoon! kind of a weird name for a vampire but I've seen worst. Next he meets with a baroness of a vampiress named kika, cute name but she'll kill ya with out a seconds notice. now that I said everything that is about to happen here is ...Charlie's story.
Kudos: 1





	Charlie's stupidly fantastically dangerous escapades: Vampire consulaire!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fabarts](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=fabarts).
  * Inspired by [Lesbianpires](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/630694) by fabarts. 



> I'll get a Spanish translation going I just have to make sure some words make sense first and then post that.

Hello there ladies and gentlemen, crooks and cunts, and people of unspecified gender! I thank you for taking the time to read my story. Now to start off I will give a description of what your hero looks like (thats me by the way) [a chart appears with what Charlie looks like, it even has bullet points] as you can see here I'm tall 6'8 handsome British chap with white gloves and small horns protruding on the top of my head and of course the bloody British flag bandana covering my face (long story) but don't worry I assure you I am handsome under this garb. "ya look like a fookin bawsack" SHUT UP JERRY YOU SOFT SPOKEN SCOTTISH PRICK! "ha ha that got you riled now did it ya dolton?" shut it I'm doing a presentation! "ah fine" thank you! anyways to get back on topic I never take this mask off but in some cases of emergency I do. I also walk around with a cane of varying styles (I actually do need the cane to walk) my cane just so happens to be both a gun and a sword "yeah if you ever wondered why we give you escorts every time you go out somewhere its because your carrying that ya doo" again I am not a fucking pigeon and stop interrupting your making this repetitive to read "oh fine" (sighs) okay to talk about my cloths I usually wear this specially made trench coat that has inside pockets and ventilated air so I won't get hot which is genius work I might add. usually I wear a black vest with white t-shirt and black pants with boots with it, I think it's comfortable unlike someone's opinion "you dress like a jackass how can I not say something" I didn't need your constructive criticism Jerry! "ya explain enough about yourself just get on with the story ya numpty" alright fine! let's get on with this awesome story with blood! guts! and "don't spoil it" oh right. Anyways let's start this story off with what I was doing shall we: this story starts off me walking to a pub because I had a cock up day at work, I remember thinking to my self "well shit I need a pint" so I went to go find a pint. As I was walking looking for a pub I've noticed someone following me from the rooftops ad then the alleys, I knew I was being followed so using my wits I casually walked into a alley to wait for this wankers to try and get the jump on me! "he's lying, he turned the corning thinking it was a shortcut but instead he ran into a chain linked fence" SHUT IT JERRY! as I was saying I stood there and waited for my moment to arrive "well look at this he's cornered looks like this will be a easy dinner" after hearing this and turning around I told this nutter "have you lost the plot or something!? if you think I'm some posh I think you should go see a therapist about your unique way of interacting with people ya bloody chav." it was at this moment I noticed he had friends with him "Oi! whats this ya got some boys with trying to have some stag night huh?" and this motherfucker had the audacity to insult the British language "you talk like some idiot" I was very miffed that this bloody nutcase thought it was a good idea to insult me in such a way, so I said to him "ah sod off ya wanker why don't you go shag some dog and make your self useful somewhere else like being a dogs personally fuck toy!" little to say he did not like that, and well things escalated and by that I mean he came charging towards me with fangs out ready to get a piece of me, well it didn't work as I forcibly jam my cane down his little throat, and that's when he got a good look at me and he suddenly decided I wasn't worth it-"he ran away from the group of vampires" thank you Jerry I was just getting to that part! but yes after I stopped his sudden charge I decided the best course of action would be to run away. Well I say run away it more like RUNNING IN TERROR, I had a bad day at work I wasn't about to let some fucking lunatics ruin my trip to a pub be part of it. So let's get back on track, I stopped him by sticking my cane in his mouth breaking his front teeth I think, and climbed the chain link fence to get away from his group of friends "ah-ha suck it [climbs the fence but ends up falling on his face when he makes it to the other side, a terrible crunch is heard which made on of the vampires in the group go] "oh that was not a good sound" [which in turn made Charlie wish they were cooler] "well that was not a good landing but at least I can ran away now" [one of the female vampire opens a door connected to the chain link fence] "there's was a bloody DOOR!'' don't know how I didn't notice there was a door there but it was remarkably dark out so I guess that's why. [the female vampire says] "yes there was in fact a door here" [Charlie pointing at her] "ah shut it" after I said this I continued running when out of nowhere I got kneed in the face by some white haired hipster "oh bloody hell my face!" she literally came out of nowhere I didn't know what to think until I feel someone cut my leg making me bleed "ah fuck" [got struck down because of leg injury] "hehe now we got you...down [the vampire looks at their hand and sees the blood is black] what the hell" being pissed I said "your going to pay for that ya fucking cunt" and like that I reach out my arm and say these special words that makes anybody lose their shit **"faire bouillir le sang"** [as these words are said the blood that was on the vampires hand begins to bubble and then burns at an alarming rate!] "AAAAAH! Gah! my hand [begins to try and wipe away the blood from their hand but it only worsens as it spreads to their other hand] what the hell! gah someone help me! [the boiling blood begins to burn through their hands revealing bone] AAAAAAH!" oh they were in such agony, probably should have mentioned I'm not human but I guess the cats out of the bag now-"why'd you say it in French?" it sounds cooler in French. anyways I remember saying to the fellow "Not the best idea you had huh?" just then the white haired one went over and did something I didn't expect, she cut off their hands erasing the pain! really it was unexpected but then she told me something I didn't expect "who ever you are leave! before I make you regret doing that" unfortunately I saw this as a challenge and completely wasted my opportunity to escape and find a pub, I said to her "Oh I was just getting started! let's have some more fun!" now after this moment everything kinda went dark and I found myself suddenly in a pub enjoying several drinks, I don't know how I got there but I was suddenly approached by this fit bird, she had black hair, enticing eyes, and black lipstick. remembering what had just happened to me I was immediately suspicious of this person, she said to me "Hey whats a beat up looking guy like you drinking alone in this bar for? you look like shit." I remember telling her "well have a couple of pints with me and i'll tell you what I've been through tonight" I went to raise my hand to the bar keep only to realize that I was missing it! now the woman saw this of course and was immediately intrigued, because a giant of a man just walked into a bar wearing the British flag bandana as a mask, a nasty cut on their leg, and also missing an entire hand, and also leaking black blood, it proved to be an interesting story to hear. little to say we got those drinks and I begin to remark on my story on how I lost my hand, for some reason she had a worried look on her face-''oh I can think why'' oh shut up Jerry. Anyways to start remembering about what happened I told her "well I was kneed in the face by this chick with white hair" she said a name, " **Yoon** " which out of curiosity, her name wasn't brought up but the way she described her I said "yes ...that was her name" but to get to more action I told her how Yoon charged at me with incredible speed! she hit with enough force to bring me down to the ground! she was ready to tear into my neck when I took my glove off and made skin contact on her hand! I said **"Now choke!"** [suddenly Yoon begins to feel a strange tightness around her neck and the next thing she knew was gasping for air as she was taken off guard by this phantom choking that has occurred but Yoon didn't give up she strikes into Charlie's stomach making Charlie gag in pain] "GAH!" [Charlie kicks Yoon off him and begins to retreat with him holding his organs in place] "bloody hell!" [Charlie picks up his cane begins to run! the other vampires didn't run after him but only went to Yoon side to make sure she was okay, the choking had subsided with Yoon declaring] "that guy is too dangerous to be walking the streets! the rest of you go home this ones mine!" [the other vampires protested but Yoon told them that she was tough enough to deal with this threat!] "you saw what he just did if I haven't stepped in they could have died'' [referring the vampire with no hands they nod their heads in agreement] "alright" [Yoon takes off after the injured Charlie to end a threat to everyone] now it was this point that I found myself 5 miles away, funny how fast a man nearly at death's door can run. I somehow made my way to a blood bank which was ironic considering who I just fought but anyways I need to get my self treated and I made my way into the blood bank looking to get my self fixed on some new blood since I was bleeding, I traversed the building to find my self in their blood vault and began to look for type AB positive blood or type O to refill my self on-"this is probably be a good time to explain why you need the blood" oh right thanks Jerry, I need the blood because I can't produce my blood normally so taking in fresh blood that is my blood type makes it so I don't pass out or explode. But to get back onto topic, I found some of the blood I was needing and began the procedure to get my self back to full health, I had the catheter and everything I just needed to find a place to let it do its magic but of course nice things don't last forever and Yoon kicks in the door announcing she was here to kick my ass "hey asshole prepare to DIE!" which I promptly threw a bag of blood at her which did nothing and fell on the floor "...really?" really [I threw the catheter at her and made a run for it] "OH NO YOU DON'T" [Yoon with her incredible speed made it in front of Charlie and pushed him back causing him to stumble onto the table] "GAH! take it easy I'm an injured man!" Yoon smelling bullshit says to me "bullshit what are you!? no mortal can do the things you just did and what the hell is with the mask?!" Yoon tried to grab at my face with no avail as I step back causing her to try harder to rip my mask off "you know what fuck it, I'm here to kill you and make sure you won't cause anymore problems!" I then explain to her " I just wanted a fucking pint at the bloody pub! if its someone causing problems go talk to the fucker who's teeth I smashed in!" she then said to me that I was the problem for being an easy target and then I said "I just took a wrong bloody turn I didn't expect some fuckwit to turn up looking to get a bite out of me! I just wanted a pint!" she had enough talking and lunged at me but I was prepared, annoyed, and pissed off, I said as she lunged forward towards me "you want a piece ill give you a piece! **now give them a tracheostomy, Wolfgang!"** [like lightning Charlie's hand goes through Yoons guts and out her back but Yoon wouldn't be taken down so easily, she with all her might severed Charlie's hand causing his black blood to leak everywhere! both Yoon and Charlie were dazed but Charlie ripped open one of the blood packs and flinging it at the wall saying] " **feu sanglant!** " [this caused the blood to bubble and then started making everything catch fire causing the entire building to blaze! fire was nothing to Yoon but it was a good distraction for Charlie to get away from her] God that was intense good thing I had my wits about but enough of that let's get to how I somehow made it to the bar-"you took the bus" God dammit Jerry, but yes I took a bus and made it to the bar where I began telling the story to the girl who ask why I look like shit, but this is where things get interesting "and thats how I ended up here" [Nika being very confused and also slightly agreeing with what Charlie said because he literally looks like what happened to him said] "okay I barely believe you but with the way you look right now I can't argue the fact you've been through some shit tonight" [as Charlie was about to say something his hand taps his arm] "oh hey lefty your back!" [Nika seeing Charlie's severed hand literally tap on him decides she would rather go home and sleep] "welp thanks for the drinks your story was cool but my girl friend just texted me so I have to go bye!" I remember saying bye to Nika "by Nika" she paused wondering how I knew her name she said "how did you know my name?" I said something very confusing but to sum it all down I said "when my went through Yoon I saw her memories and saw she had met you so that's how I know your name" [Nika left confused and wishing she just stayed home that night while Charlie ajust his hand back on his arm] " I should get home-" I then woke up in Jerry's car the next morning "I got a report saying, some lunatic just burned down a blood bank I instantly knew it was Charlie and went to find him. I did and the rest is history" great now onto the part where-"actually Charlie the boss wants to talk to you" what NO! tell them to fuck off I'm busy writing my adventures on this fan fiction website "the web site can wait Charlie now go see the boss its important" NO! "God dammit Charlie if I have to drag your arse to him I will" alright fine ill go you buzzkill. [Charlie walks off] "oh before I forget they're will not be a to be continued as Charlie is a terrible storyteller unlike me so hopefully I can hide his lap top somewhere he won't find it so he won't continue this stupid series of his anyways this is the end I am terribly sorry Charlie did these things but luckily I got him home again sorry and I hope you enjoyed his silly little story." 


End file.
